Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Geppetto: Whew it’s a cold one.
Pinocchio: Mhmm.
G: Fire’s running low.
P: Mhmm.
G: Wonder *sharpens axe* where I could get some wood.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.