It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
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COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired