The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
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St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Every. Damn. Time.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.