Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Not even remotely sorry.