I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
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I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please