not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
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[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Name this drama.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant