The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
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List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide