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Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.