If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
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You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.