Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
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Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.