mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
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Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
what do you want!!!!!!!!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
happy mother’s day❤️
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.