A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
You Might Also Like
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?