I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
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i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh