I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
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Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
The only equipped I am is ill.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.