Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.