Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
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[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
*sewing*
A thread
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.