george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
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how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
For the ones in the back.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr