Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
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People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Good morning, Twitter x
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.