My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
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Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”