rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
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Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Discuss
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??