My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
You Might Also Like
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.