Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
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My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
welp
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
U talkin 2 me?
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*