If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
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There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Worst perfume name ever.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
girls literally only want one thing..
tis the season
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“Don’t sit down and wait for the opportunities to come. Get up and make them.”
*sandwiches
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
He just like my cat fr