If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
#math
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”