ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
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Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
a fate I wish upon no one
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number