Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
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[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
channeling her this year
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.