[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point