#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
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freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.