Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
You Might Also Like
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.