I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?