I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
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“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]