SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
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Just how popey was the pope today?
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I only treason on days ending in y
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Sheep
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
How to woo a woman
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right