My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Me, flirting😏
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
Me: I’m on a diet.
Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.
Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
my mom making me talk to relatives
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.