I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Kentucky names the shit out of places
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.