I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
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Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
こいつ天才
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.