What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
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TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Okay me first
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest