I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
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3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
felt cute might bury dad later idk
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.