This rocks
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Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.