Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
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I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?
Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school