Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
You Might Also Like
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
I’m a bad influence on myself.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday