I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
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North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Monday
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.