ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?