Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
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Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Kids, do not try this at home!
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*