When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
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A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Thursday
My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people