my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
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In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know I’m just messin with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name. lol.
God: are you serious?
Owl: no i’m Owl : )
God:
Owl:
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies