I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
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I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
New mindset, who dis?
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Lmao the reply
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds