My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
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If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Yup
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Stop.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
get you a girl who
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Social distancing in Australia:
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week