ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
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This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving