MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
You Might Also Like
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
you’re so productive for your wage
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Me, reading some of your tweets
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie