Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
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“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
I put the mess in domestic.
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*